I loved his family! They were so sweet, fun, REAL......no pretention at all. I believe they felt the same way about me, I hope anyway. We had a pleasant dinner but I couldn't wait for Paul and I to be alone so that I could taste test his lips again. I sampled them again, one, two, three more times and they were just as sweet as I had remembered them. I will detour away from this conversation before you kind folks lose your cookies.
We began our courtship in earnest from that point on and I discovered one thing about Paul........HE LOVES TO STAY BUSY! Oh dear Lord! After having spent so many years living a very sedate life without much socializing this was downright overwhelming at times. I discovered 5-hour energy shots. These little "miracle drinks" soon became my closest friends and the only thing that kept me from dropping from sheer exhaustion! We went out to eat, took drives to the mountains, went to concerts, played games with family and friends, had barbecues, went to San Francisco, went to baseball games.......this guy does not know the meaning of sitting still. But I loved it! I felt alive! Like a kid in a candy shop I could not wait for our next excursion! I also found Paul to be very romantic, attentive and thoughtful, and for that alone, he became a very likely candidate to be my soulmate!
I met and fell in love with his three beautiful girls and the time ultimately came for me to visit his church. I was as nervous as a cat due to the fact that there was a lot of history there with his former wife. Would I be accepted? Would I be able to attend church there if our relationship progressed to an engagement? The answers to all of these questions were a resounding "yes!" The saints of Family Worship Center were precious and welcoming and I decided that Paul was such a gift from God to me, that I could face any opposition that came my way. I had been to hell and back, I could handle anything.
Pastor Keyes had become my personal Sherlock Holmes. After the disaster of "anonymous" I had been very open and upfront with him about any man I was talking to or interested in dating. Many were the times that I would call Sister Keyes and say, "okay, I have another one for you." From there I would give her the man's name, city and state in which he lived and his Pastor's name. At that point, my Pastor would put on his imaginary hat and cloak and pick up his handy dandy magnifying glass to go do some snooping for me. There was no way I was going to go thru what I had with "anonymous" all over again! The same went for Paul of course, and both Pastor AND Sis. Keyes put their feelers out there to see if anyone had anything negative to say about Paul. They found nothing!! I was pleased as punch and they were happy for me as well, yet still sad that I could possibly be leaving them and the church in Modesto.
Paul had also sought the wise council of his Pastor and received excellent advice and direction. Paul was careful to follow all of his Pastor's instructions to the letter, and this was also very impressive to me. Paul, above all else, is a man of honesty and integrity.
Our relationship grew and deepened and we spent every possible free moment together. We HAD discussed the possibility of marriage in a logical manner. We WERE adults and could not rush into something solely based on feelings, there was a lot to take into consideration here. He had three children that he has fifty percent of the time, one of his daughters being of "special needs" and I have a teenager at home who was still grieving the loss of her father. This was not "playing house," this was real life.
I was a little disturbed however that he had yet to declare his love for me. I wanted to express my feelings to him so badly, but reminded myself to be patient. My Pastor's wife had so eloquently told me once that I was too hasty and impatient, and boy howdy was she right. So, I waited, and waited, and waited, and then, one night........
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
A Loving Touch
We met at Starbuck's again which would become a habit. I had not seen him in about a week and I was missing him something fierce! I walked into Starbuck's and he was already at the counter ordering. He saw me as I walked in and his face lit up like a firework. I walked towards him with my arms outstretched and we hugged for the first time. We hugged each other so tight, as if we were each others lifelines and we never wanted to let go. And that is exactly what we were, healing balm to one another's souls.
It felt so good to be hugged. During Tim's illness it seemed as though we did not touch very often. As I have stated in previous blogs, he slept most of the time and our schedules were such that we just did not have a lot of time together and when we were together, we were discussing and taking care of business. During that time I came to realize just how important human touch is to our survival. Not just a handshake or a pat on the back, but a sincere, loving hug or carress is something that is vital to our mental, physical and spiritual health. It is a basic need. I recall one time in particular when Tim was alive, Zack came home on leave. We were standing in the kitchen and Zack reached out to hug me. I broke down into tears, starving for affection and human touch. I think Paul and I were both drinking in something that had been missing in our lives for a very long time......love and affection.
My heart was doing aerobics in my chest as we sat at a little table and sipped our coffees and chatted. At one point he began to stroke my arm and I had trouble focusing on what either one of us was saying, and then, he took my hand. I felt so giddy, like I was walking on clouds! I was a kid again!
He was on his way out of town for a funeral so our time was limited. He walked me out to my car and I can take you to the exact parking spot in front of Starbuck's where he took me in his arms and kissed me for the first time. A myriad of feelings and emotions exploded inside of me all at once. It felt like my first time at Disneyland, a marching band and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing the "Hallelujah Chorus" all at once. It was.............heaven on my lips.
I was shaking as I got into my car with his promise to see me later that night still ringing in my ears. This was it! I"M IN LOVE!! I wanted to shout it from the rooftops as I drove to my parents home. I could not believe it. The one man that I had rejected from the outset, the one who did not meet any of my criteria had stolen my heart. I was giddy with excitement and pure happiness. I smiled so much the muscles in my face ached. This was amazing stuff.
We burned up our phones texting for the rest of the day. He had felt it too. There were no words of love or marriage spoken as of yet, and that was okay. We were content with this newfound love that we felt, the excitement of discovery.
The plan was that later that evening after the funeral, that we would get together for dinner with his mother, sisters, nieces and nephews. I would be meeting them for the first time. I was nervous, like a schoolgirl. What would I wear? How should I do my hair? Would they be able to tell that we had kissed?
It felt so good to be hugged. During Tim's illness it seemed as though we did not touch very often. As I have stated in previous blogs, he slept most of the time and our schedules were such that we just did not have a lot of time together and when we were together, we were discussing and taking care of business. During that time I came to realize just how important human touch is to our survival. Not just a handshake or a pat on the back, but a sincere, loving hug or carress is something that is vital to our mental, physical and spiritual health. It is a basic need. I recall one time in particular when Tim was alive, Zack came home on leave. We were standing in the kitchen and Zack reached out to hug me. I broke down into tears, starving for affection and human touch. I think Paul and I were both drinking in something that had been missing in our lives for a very long time......love and affection.
My heart was doing aerobics in my chest as we sat at a little table and sipped our coffees and chatted. At one point he began to stroke my arm and I had trouble focusing on what either one of us was saying, and then, he took my hand. I felt so giddy, like I was walking on clouds! I was a kid again!
He was on his way out of town for a funeral so our time was limited. He walked me out to my car and I can take you to the exact parking spot in front of Starbuck's where he took me in his arms and kissed me for the first time. A myriad of feelings and emotions exploded inside of me all at once. It felt like my first time at Disneyland, a marching band and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing the "Hallelujah Chorus" all at once. It was.............heaven on my lips.
I was shaking as I got into my car with his promise to see me later that night still ringing in my ears. This was it! I"M IN LOVE!! I wanted to shout it from the rooftops as I drove to my parents home. I could not believe it. The one man that I had rejected from the outset, the one who did not meet any of my criteria had stolen my heart. I was giddy with excitement and pure happiness. I smiled so much the muscles in my face ached. This was amazing stuff.
We burned up our phones texting for the rest of the day. He had felt it too. There were no words of love or marriage spoken as of yet, and that was okay. We were content with this newfound love that we felt, the excitement of discovery.
The plan was that later that evening after the funeral, that we would get together for dinner with his mother, sisters, nieces and nephews. I would be meeting them for the first time. I was nervous, like a schoolgirl. What would I wear? How should I do my hair? Would they be able to tell that we had kissed?
Monday, September 5, 2011
Exciting Times and New Discoveries
It did not help my case at all that Paul practically knew everyone in my church and they ALL thought that he hung the moon AND the stars. No one had a disparaging thing to say of his character and they all unanimously agreed that HE WAS THE ONE! My family loved him and answered me with "so what" when I complained about his youth, children, lack of wealth and riches, so on and so forth. I was down for the count and Paul was clearly the champion in the corner of the ring. Oh boy did I have my work cut out for me rejecting this guy.
We went to Olive Garden following the service that evening and we found ourselves comparing playlists on our ipod's and singing loud and off key to Garth Brooks. He was fun! We had dinner and my mouth ran ninety miles an hour as it is wont to do when I am nervous. He politely shook his head and asked all of the right questions. He returned me to my vehicle in the Starbuck's parking lot and we sat in the car and talked a while longer and listened to more music. I discovered that we had a lot in common, that we liked the same foods, music, recreational activities and that he was without a doubt, one of the nicest guys on the planet. And he had a really nice smile.
I thanked him for dinner and we said our goodbyes. I believe I shook his hand (insert eye roll here). we got into our perspective vehicles and pulled out of the parking lot. I had not gotten very far when my cell phone rang, it was Paul. "Hello" I answered. "Hey, this is Paul." He said. "I just wanted to tell you that I had a really good time." And then he said something about there being a "next time" and I said "sure, that sounds great." And then HE said, "So does that mean you want to see me again?" and I said, "Of course, I would love to see you again." and then HE said, "Okay, I will text you this week and we will get together." And I said, "Sounds great!" I pray you are not as confused reading this as I am having typed it, but anyway, you get the picture.......I hope.
Sure enough, first thing the next morning I began getting the texts. We texted all day long for several days when Paul made an evasive little hinting sort of statement about not being able to "hear my voice." So, like any polite young lady would do, I suggested that we ditch the texting and talk on the phone instead. He readily agreed. So, began our telephone relationship. We talked every chance we had over the next week until we were able to be together again over the weekend. He came to Modesto again and stayed with some friends in the area. We strolled the mall, ate at In-n-Out and just focused on becoming better acquainted. I recall that while at In-n-Out the subject of marriage and family came up and I was once again charmed by his view of life and relationships. I was so impressed with him and his character.
We talked or texted constantly and I found myself waiting impatiently for his calls, and, as much as I hated to admit it, I missed him when he was not around and looked forward in anticipation to his visits. My sister kept bugging me about whether or not I thought he was "the one." Of course I would always remind her of the many reasons why I should not get too involved with Paul, but "the reasons" became less and less of an issue as time passed. Finally, I told her, "I will know when he kisses me!" For some reason, I felt like that would be the test. As fate would have it, I didn't have long to wait.
We went to Olive Garden following the service that evening and we found ourselves comparing playlists on our ipod's and singing loud and off key to Garth Brooks. He was fun! We had dinner and my mouth ran ninety miles an hour as it is wont to do when I am nervous. He politely shook his head and asked all of the right questions. He returned me to my vehicle in the Starbuck's parking lot and we sat in the car and talked a while longer and listened to more music. I discovered that we had a lot in common, that we liked the same foods, music, recreational activities and that he was without a doubt, one of the nicest guys on the planet. And he had a really nice smile.
I thanked him for dinner and we said our goodbyes. I believe I shook his hand (insert eye roll here). we got into our perspective vehicles and pulled out of the parking lot. I had not gotten very far when my cell phone rang, it was Paul. "Hello" I answered. "Hey, this is Paul." He said. "I just wanted to tell you that I had a really good time." And then he said something about there being a "next time" and I said "sure, that sounds great." And then HE said, "So does that mean you want to see me again?" and I said, "Of course, I would love to see you again." and then HE said, "Okay, I will text you this week and we will get together." And I said, "Sounds great!" I pray you are not as confused reading this as I am having typed it, but anyway, you get the picture.......I hope.
Sure enough, first thing the next morning I began getting the texts. We texted all day long for several days when Paul made an evasive little hinting sort of statement about not being able to "hear my voice." So, like any polite young lady would do, I suggested that we ditch the texting and talk on the phone instead. He readily agreed. So, began our telephone relationship. We talked every chance we had over the next week until we were able to be together again over the weekend. He came to Modesto again and stayed with some friends in the area. We strolled the mall, ate at In-n-Out and just focused on becoming better acquainted. I recall that while at In-n-Out the subject of marriage and family came up and I was once again charmed by his view of life and relationships. I was so impressed with him and his character.
We talked or texted constantly and I found myself waiting impatiently for his calls, and, as much as I hated to admit it, I missed him when he was not around and looked forward in anticipation to his visits. My sister kept bugging me about whether or not I thought he was "the one." Of course I would always remind her of the many reasons why I should not get too involved with Paul, but "the reasons" became less and less of an issue as time passed. Finally, I told her, "I will know when he kisses me!" For some reason, I felt like that would be the test. As fate would have it, I didn't have long to wait.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
First Date
I was interested. From the pictures that I had viewed on Facebook, he was very nice looking. But to be truthful, I really did not expect it to go beyond friendship. As I said before, Paul did not meet my criteria. But I figured, hey, we could go out, get to know each other, become friends,, and maybe Paul would introduce me to my future husband.......you never know, right?
We chatted back and forth on Facebook for a few days, and then I delicately suggested that he text me instead, it is so much more convenient than Facebooking. I casually gave him my phone number. So, now we are texting......a lot. He begins to talk about us finally meeting and asks about my church schedule. We just so happened to be in revival with Keith Clark at the time, so that gave me the opener that I needed to invite him to come to my church..........to hear Keith Clark..............of course.
We were to meet at Starbucks on Sunday, the first Sunday in August, before heading over to Modesto Revival Center for the evening service. I was nervous as any woman would be to meet a man for the first time. I took special care with my appearance enlisting Haley's help in choosing an outfit. I chose a straight black skirt topped with an leopard print wrap around lightweight jacket with ruffled collar and ruffles sweeping down the front and hem of the jacket. black fishnets and black pumps completed the ensemble. As I ran out of the house, I double sprayed my security blanket with Aqua Net. My best feature, "the hair" looked especially lovely, big, bold and beautiful curls were lacquered and placed atop my head to perfection. I pondered a large feather ornament for said masterpiece, but decided not to scare the poor man off before we had a chance to get to know one another.
He texted me to let me know he was already in Starbucks as I was pulling in to the parking lot. I told him to go ahead and order but he refused, insisting upon waiting for me. Wow, a gentleman I thought, nice. I checked my appearance in my rear view mirror and hopped out of the car and made my way towards my future, not having a clue.
I entered Starbucks to see Paul sitting in a chair waiting on me. My first thought was "Wow! He's better looking than his pictures on Facebook! It's too bad he is not an option!" I introduced myself and we shook hands. I could feel his eyes upon me as I stood at the counter and ordered my grande iced caramel macchiato with an extra pump of vanilla. He, in turn, ordered what I would soon know as his
"signature" drink, a grande iced coffee in a venti cup, (for cream......a LOT of cream) no sweetener. I then stood at the condiment counter and watched as he doctored his poison with cream, a LOT of cream and four packages of Splenda. Little did I know that I would experience this ritual over and over again in the months to come.
We chatted as he made his coffee, he, telling me about his children. He went on to explain to me that his oldest daughter is "special needs." If we had been on a television game show you would have heard one of those very loud buzzer sounds indicating that Paul had just given the wrong answer. Special needs??!! Oh no! Now he was really not an option. This certainly did not meet my list of requirements for a spouse. Oh well I thought, he will be a great friend. That's too bad though, he will make some lucky lady very, very happy.
As we sat down, cups in hand, Paul said "Before we go any further I want to be sure of something." "What is it? I asked. He replied, "If you are looking for a preacher, I just want to be up front with you and tell you that I am not a preacher and have no desire to be one." I just about danced right out of my fishnets. I laughed and said "I am so glad! You are exactly what I am looking for! Someone who is NOT a preacher! Been there, done that!" We both laughed and the ice was broken
He was so sweet! This really was the sweetest guy I had met in a long time. It was just too bad that he was not a little older than I and that he had three children at home. We began to swap stories. His was a story of rejection and betrayal. He had been separated from his wife, the mother of his children for three years, divorced for one year. I listened, my heart breaking for him. And then, I shared my story of which he had already been informed of somewhat by my cousin Kim. He sat in stunned silence as I recounted the tragedy that had befallen my children and I. At one point I glanced at him and noticed that his eyes had filled up with tears! Wow this guy was the whole package! Sensitive too! I was overcome with emotion and MY tears came, unbidden. Embarrassed, I apologized and fanned my face with my hand in an attempt to "dry up."
We talked until it was time to leave for church. Paul suggested that I leave my vehicle in the Starbuck's parking lot and ride with him to church. I agreed. As we drove I checked him out. He was really cute and he had nice forearms and hands. And he was so sweet! Oh why couldn't this guy be fifty, rich and kidless?!
We chatted back and forth on Facebook for a few days, and then I delicately suggested that he text me instead, it is so much more convenient than Facebooking. I casually gave him my phone number. So, now we are texting......a lot. He begins to talk about us finally meeting and asks about my church schedule. We just so happened to be in revival with Keith Clark at the time, so that gave me the opener that I needed to invite him to come to my church..........to hear Keith Clark..............of course.
We were to meet at Starbucks on Sunday, the first Sunday in August, before heading over to Modesto Revival Center for the evening service. I was nervous as any woman would be to meet a man for the first time. I took special care with my appearance enlisting Haley's help in choosing an outfit. I chose a straight black skirt topped with an leopard print wrap around lightweight jacket with ruffled collar and ruffles sweeping down the front and hem of the jacket. black fishnets and black pumps completed the ensemble. As I ran out of the house, I double sprayed my security blanket with Aqua Net. My best feature, "the hair" looked especially lovely, big, bold and beautiful curls were lacquered and placed atop my head to perfection. I pondered a large feather ornament for said masterpiece, but decided not to scare the poor man off before we had a chance to get to know one another.
He texted me to let me know he was already in Starbucks as I was pulling in to the parking lot. I told him to go ahead and order but he refused, insisting upon waiting for me. Wow, a gentleman I thought, nice. I checked my appearance in my rear view mirror and hopped out of the car and made my way towards my future, not having a clue.
I entered Starbucks to see Paul sitting in a chair waiting on me. My first thought was "Wow! He's better looking than his pictures on Facebook! It's too bad he is not an option!" I introduced myself and we shook hands. I could feel his eyes upon me as I stood at the counter and ordered my grande iced caramel macchiato with an extra pump of vanilla. He, in turn, ordered what I would soon know as his
"signature" drink, a grande iced coffee in a venti cup, (for cream......a LOT of cream) no sweetener. I then stood at the condiment counter and watched as he doctored his poison with cream, a LOT of cream and four packages of Splenda. Little did I know that I would experience this ritual over and over again in the months to come.
We chatted as he made his coffee, he, telling me about his children. He went on to explain to me that his oldest daughter is "special needs." If we had been on a television game show you would have heard one of those very loud buzzer sounds indicating that Paul had just given the wrong answer. Special needs??!! Oh no! Now he was really not an option. This certainly did not meet my list of requirements for a spouse. Oh well I thought, he will be a great friend. That's too bad though, he will make some lucky lady very, very happy.
As we sat down, cups in hand, Paul said "Before we go any further I want to be sure of something." "What is it? I asked. He replied, "If you are looking for a preacher, I just want to be up front with you and tell you that I am not a preacher and have no desire to be one." I just about danced right out of my fishnets. I laughed and said "I am so glad! You are exactly what I am looking for! Someone who is NOT a preacher! Been there, done that!" We both laughed and the ice was broken
He was so sweet! This really was the sweetest guy I had met in a long time. It was just too bad that he was not a little older than I and that he had three children at home. We began to swap stories. His was a story of rejection and betrayal. He had been separated from his wife, the mother of his children for three years, divorced for one year. I listened, my heart breaking for him. And then, I shared my story of which he had already been informed of somewhat by my cousin Kim. He sat in stunned silence as I recounted the tragedy that had befallen my children and I. At one point I glanced at him and noticed that his eyes had filled up with tears! Wow this guy was the whole package! Sensitive too! I was overcome with emotion and MY tears came, unbidden. Embarrassed, I apologized and fanned my face with my hand in an attempt to "dry up."
We talked until it was time to leave for church. Paul suggested that I leave my vehicle in the Starbuck's parking lot and ride with him to church. I agreed. As we drove I checked him out. He was really cute and he had nice forearms and hands. And he was so sweet! Oh why couldn't this guy be fifty, rich and kidless?!
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Social Networking
There was the one fellow who thought he was God's gift to women........no, correction to THE EARTH. I chose not to accept his gift. And what about the guy who would send me complete sermons via text and randomly break out into tongues while on the phone with me? THAT was disturbing. I met several men on Facebook and communicated with them via the computer or phone. It's a little frightening I know, but that is dating in this new technological era we find ourselves in.
I will not deny that I was on, as my good friend Nathan Kesler would describe it, "the hunt." My sister in law once referred to me as a "domestic goddess" and she has no idea just how correct she was in her observation. I love to take care of my home and yard, cook and clean......well the cooking part might be pushing it but you get the picture. I enjoy the dynamics of husband, children, dog, white picket fence..........family. So yes, I was actively taking applications and interviewing for the position of "the man" in my life.
Any successful business woman knows that self marketing is key. It's about the packaging, advertising and of course, who you know! So, that is why I contacted my sweet cousin Kim Hanks from Ceres California. It was Camp Meeting time and I had originally planned on going but alas, I discovered that I did not have the sufficient funds, so, I cancelled my trip.
I texted Kim who was already in Santa Maria enjoying her time there with some instructions that went something like this: "Keep your eyes open for any nice, single men." I have never been one to be vague or evasive. Direct and to the point works for me. She responded back to me that she was disappointed that I could not make it to Camp Meeting and that she would definitely scope out the available product. (My words, not hers).
I believe that perhaps only twenty four hours or less had passed when I received a text from Kim. It read something like, "There's a friend of mine I would like you to meet. He is recently divorced and has three children. His name is Paul Moore. You can connect with him on Facebook."
I responded, "How old is he?" She replied, "thirty nine." "THIRTY NINE??!!" No way! My application and list of requirements for possible mates clearly spelled out no children at home and that said applicant MUST be at least forty five to fifty years of age. This was to insure that I would be properly spoiled and made to feel very, very special! Three children and four years younger than I? Why that was downright scandalous! I think not!............I sent him a Facebook message.
I will not deny that I was on, as my good friend Nathan Kesler would describe it, "the hunt." My sister in law once referred to me as a "domestic goddess" and she has no idea just how correct she was in her observation. I love to take care of my home and yard, cook and clean......well the cooking part might be pushing it but you get the picture. I enjoy the dynamics of husband, children, dog, white picket fence..........family. So yes, I was actively taking applications and interviewing for the position of "the man" in my life.
Any successful business woman knows that self marketing is key. It's about the packaging, advertising and of course, who you know! So, that is why I contacted my sweet cousin Kim Hanks from Ceres California. It was Camp Meeting time and I had originally planned on going but alas, I discovered that I did not have the sufficient funds, so, I cancelled my trip.
I texted Kim who was already in Santa Maria enjoying her time there with some instructions that went something like this: "Keep your eyes open for any nice, single men." I have never been one to be vague or evasive. Direct and to the point works for me. She responded back to me that she was disappointed that I could not make it to Camp Meeting and that she would definitely scope out the available product. (My words, not hers).
I believe that perhaps only twenty four hours or less had passed when I received a text from Kim. It read something like, "There's a friend of mine I would like you to meet. He is recently divorced and has three children. His name is Paul Moore. You can connect with him on Facebook."
I responded, "How old is he?" She replied, "thirty nine." "THIRTY NINE??!!" No way! My application and list of requirements for possible mates clearly spelled out no children at home and that said applicant MUST be at least forty five to fifty years of age. This was to insure that I would be properly spoiled and made to feel very, very special! Three children and four years younger than I? Why that was downright scandalous! I think not!............I sent him a Facebook message.
Friday, September 2, 2011
God's Mouthpiece
From the moment we make our grand entrance into this harsh world, fresh from the womb, our human nature cries out for what it wants. We are selfish creatures and we want what we want, when we want it. We tend to view life as a cruise ship. We board, grab an iced tea and a good book, flop down in a chaise lounge, poolside, and settle in for the ride. Never concerning ourselves with the Captain of the ship who is attempting to dodge the hull ripping, Titanic sinking iceberg in our path. We skim right by it due to His masterful skill and we never even know it.......we are too busy singing karaoke........off key.
I wanted "anonymous" now. No, I wanted him yesterday. I trembled as I sat in my Pastor's office a few short weeks after my return from my visit with "anonymous." I was ushered into a boardroom and sat at one end of a very large, very long highly polished heavy wood table. Surrounding this table were at least ten to twelve large, high backed over stuffed chairs. The whole place had the feel of parliament or something. I was fully expecting my Pastor and Pastor;s wife to enter said chamber in black robes and powdered wigs. But alas, they did not, however my Pastor does have a way of adjusting his glasses on his nose that makes one's blood run cold.
My blood WAS rather chilly that day, along with sweaty palms and cotton mouth as Bro. and Sis. Keyes sat across from me at that long, long table. As my Pastor began to tell me the things that God had revealed to him about "anonymous" I sunk lower and lower in my chair. By the conclusion of our meeting you would have been hard pressed to FIND me in that chair I was so small. How could Bro. Keyes know everything about "anonymous" including what he looked like clear down to hair and eye color, height, physique and personality without ever having met "anonymous"? I sat in stunned silence, in awe and reverence as I began to realize that God had intervened on my behalf.
Then, came the hard part. Pastor told me that if I was determined to be with "anonymous" that he would be willing to meet with "anonymous" in spite of his strong feelings of misgiving. This threw me into a real quandary. My personality is such that I prefer solid answers, clear and direct instruction. I did not know what to do! I began to sweat! I knew what God wanted me to do, but my flesh was at war with the Almighty and I needed the man that I respect above all men to tell me exactly what he wanted me to do.
"Pastor Keyes" I said. "Please tell me what you feel that I should do and I will do it. I would never marry anyone without your blessing." He looked at me in his signature way and said, "Okay, do not see or speak to this man again, he is not the will of God for you."
I was devastated!! I tell you my world had just crumbled around my feet at my Pastor's words. I was in love! Or at least I thought I was. Was I? Looking back on it now I think I was in love "with love." I was in love with romance, with the warm fuzzies that accompany a mindless infatuation. My Pastor had given me the answer that I knew was straight from the mouth of God, but oh boy was it hard to swallow. How could I have been so wrong in this? I had convinced myself that this was the will of God. What a dummy!
I broke the news to "anonymous" and he too was devastated, or at least I think he was. In retrospect I think he may have just been an Oscar worthy actor. Regardless, the wedding was off. I will not lie to you and say that I lived everyday in strict obedience to my Pastor in regard to "anonymous." We still texted and spoke on the phone off and on for months before I got word that "anonymous" had moved on with his life and gotten married. I felt numb at the news, as though I had been slapped across the face, yet oddly at peace. As though I had finally closed the door on a room God did not want me to enter. It was over, and I was serene and at peace.
I dated some, quickly realizing that I DO NOT LIKE THE WHOLE DATING THING!! I discovered early on that men are...... well........ a little odd.
I wanted "anonymous" now. No, I wanted him yesterday. I trembled as I sat in my Pastor's office a few short weeks after my return from my visit with "anonymous." I was ushered into a boardroom and sat at one end of a very large, very long highly polished heavy wood table. Surrounding this table were at least ten to twelve large, high backed over stuffed chairs. The whole place had the feel of parliament or something. I was fully expecting my Pastor and Pastor;s wife to enter said chamber in black robes and powdered wigs. But alas, they did not, however my Pastor does have a way of adjusting his glasses on his nose that makes one's blood run cold.
My blood WAS rather chilly that day, along with sweaty palms and cotton mouth as Bro. and Sis. Keyes sat across from me at that long, long table. As my Pastor began to tell me the things that God had revealed to him about "anonymous" I sunk lower and lower in my chair. By the conclusion of our meeting you would have been hard pressed to FIND me in that chair I was so small. How could Bro. Keyes know everything about "anonymous" including what he looked like clear down to hair and eye color, height, physique and personality without ever having met "anonymous"? I sat in stunned silence, in awe and reverence as I began to realize that God had intervened on my behalf.
Then, came the hard part. Pastor told me that if I was determined to be with "anonymous" that he would be willing to meet with "anonymous" in spite of his strong feelings of misgiving. This threw me into a real quandary. My personality is such that I prefer solid answers, clear and direct instruction. I did not know what to do! I began to sweat! I knew what God wanted me to do, but my flesh was at war with the Almighty and I needed the man that I respect above all men to tell me exactly what he wanted me to do.
"Pastor Keyes" I said. "Please tell me what you feel that I should do and I will do it. I would never marry anyone without your blessing." He looked at me in his signature way and said, "Okay, do not see or speak to this man again, he is not the will of God for you."
I was devastated!! I tell you my world had just crumbled around my feet at my Pastor's words. I was in love! Or at least I thought I was. Was I? Looking back on it now I think I was in love "with love." I was in love with romance, with the warm fuzzies that accompany a mindless infatuation. My Pastor had given me the answer that I knew was straight from the mouth of God, but oh boy was it hard to swallow. How could I have been so wrong in this? I had convinced myself that this was the will of God. What a dummy!
I broke the news to "anonymous" and he too was devastated, or at least I think he was. In retrospect I think he may have just been an Oscar worthy actor. Regardless, the wedding was off. I will not lie to you and say that I lived everyday in strict obedience to my Pastor in regard to "anonymous." We still texted and spoke on the phone off and on for months before I got word that "anonymous" had moved on with his life and gotten married. I felt numb at the news, as though I had been slapped across the face, yet oddly at peace. As though I had finally closed the door on a room God did not want me to enter. It was over, and I was serene and at peace.
I dated some, quickly realizing that I DO NOT LIKE THE WHOLE DATING THING!! I discovered early on that men are...... well........ a little odd.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
A Spiritual Battle
My family went ballistic and so did my Pastor according to the looks that my Pastor's wife kept shooting my way during the following Wednesday night church service. Either she texted me or I texted her during church, I do not recall. Regardless, ONE of us contacted the other inappropriately during the preaching and asked to speak with the other as soon as church was over.
If this had been a movie, the soundtrack to JAWS would have accompanied me as Sis. Keyes escorted me to Pastor's office. I sat on the sofa shaking on the inside preparing myself for what she had to say. "So, I understand you're engaged Shawnacee?" It was more of a statement than a question. I should be on the olympic swim team for how quickly I backstroked against the tide of her disapproval. "Well, yes.......but." There it was, the backstroke. "Anonymous" did ask me to marry him and I said yes.......tentatively." I didn't tell her that the word "tentative" had never factored into mine and "anonymous" conversation regarding marriage. I stammered, "It was so sudden and even as I was saying yes I knew there was a lot to think about and talk about, and there is no way I would ever marry ANYONE without Pastor's approval...... and I know I don't really know "anonymous." ( I was rambling miserably) She just looked at me in that way that only she can, and said, "Ya think?"
My goose was cooked and I knew it. She lectured me for a while on not moving too fast, waiting on the Lord and such. But we were in love!! Couldn't anybody see that? I listened and nodded, my heart nearly pounding out of my chest, deep down, I knew the answer, although I didn't want to accept it. She assured me that she would pass our conversation along to Pastor and that he would get back to me as soon as possible to set up a meeting, I breathed easier, confident that the Lord would speak to Pastor Keyes that "anonymous" was the will of God for me.
I went home and started packing. I had left one little tidbit of information out of my conversation with Sis. Keyes......that I would be leaving the following week to go and visit my "fiance." Even now it sounds absolutely, ridiculously hilarious.
I counted the minutes until I could board that airplane. I had made arrangements for Haley's care, taken a leave of absence from school ( dumb, I know) and was ready to go. The day finally came and off I went, excited to meet "anonymous" family and friends. He picked me up from the airport and took me to the place where I would lodge during my time there. The next day he showed me around his hometown, his home, his place of business, etc. I was falling deeper and deeper in love but I had an unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach. I can remember one instance in particular when God chose to speak to me in a very direct and powerful way. Please do not get the impression that I consider myself to be super spiritual or take the voice of God lightly. I had never before, nor have I since experienced communication with God the way I did in the months prior to Tim's death and then, in the days that ensued.
As I was walking down the hall of "anonymous" home God spoke to me in such a powerful way and said "Shawnacee, the devil is trying to destroy you." I literally closed my eyes and shook my head to rid my mind of the voice of God. I mentally pushed Him out.
I had a lovely time in spite of my misgivings and genuinely loved "anonymous" family. When I boarded the plane to fly back to California, I fully intended to marry "anonymous" on June the 5th of 2010.
If this had been a movie, the soundtrack to JAWS would have accompanied me as Sis. Keyes escorted me to Pastor's office. I sat on the sofa shaking on the inside preparing myself for what she had to say. "So, I understand you're engaged Shawnacee?" It was more of a statement than a question. I should be on the olympic swim team for how quickly I backstroked against the tide of her disapproval. "Well, yes.......but." There it was, the backstroke. "Anonymous" did ask me to marry him and I said yes.......tentatively." I didn't tell her that the word "tentative" had never factored into mine and "anonymous" conversation regarding marriage. I stammered, "It was so sudden and even as I was saying yes I knew there was a lot to think about and talk about, and there is no way I would ever marry ANYONE without Pastor's approval...... and I know I don't really know "anonymous." ( I was rambling miserably) She just looked at me in that way that only she can, and said, "Ya think?"
My goose was cooked and I knew it. She lectured me for a while on not moving too fast, waiting on the Lord and such. But we were in love!! Couldn't anybody see that? I listened and nodded, my heart nearly pounding out of my chest, deep down, I knew the answer, although I didn't want to accept it. She assured me that she would pass our conversation along to Pastor and that he would get back to me as soon as possible to set up a meeting, I breathed easier, confident that the Lord would speak to Pastor Keyes that "anonymous" was the will of God for me.
I went home and started packing. I had left one little tidbit of information out of my conversation with Sis. Keyes......that I would be leaving the following week to go and visit my "fiance." Even now it sounds absolutely, ridiculously hilarious.
I counted the minutes until I could board that airplane. I had made arrangements for Haley's care, taken a leave of absence from school ( dumb, I know) and was ready to go. The day finally came and off I went, excited to meet "anonymous" family and friends. He picked me up from the airport and took me to the place where I would lodge during my time there. The next day he showed me around his hometown, his home, his place of business, etc. I was falling deeper and deeper in love but I had an unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach. I can remember one instance in particular when God chose to speak to me in a very direct and powerful way. Please do not get the impression that I consider myself to be super spiritual or take the voice of God lightly. I had never before, nor have I since experienced communication with God the way I did in the months prior to Tim's death and then, in the days that ensued.
As I was walking down the hall of "anonymous" home God spoke to me in such a powerful way and said "Shawnacee, the devil is trying to destroy you." I literally closed my eyes and shook my head to rid my mind of the voice of God. I mentally pushed Him out.
I had a lovely time in spite of my misgivings and genuinely loved "anonymous" family. When I boarded the plane to fly back to California, I fully intended to marry "anonymous" on June the 5th of 2010.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)