Peroxatine, Sertraline, Trazadone, Lorazepam, Ativan, were just a few of the medications the Doctors prescribed to Tim in an attempt to chemically balance him. Upon his initial diagnosis, the emergency room Doctor referred Tim back to his regular Physician, who wholeheartedly agreed with the diagnosis.
Some have suggested that perhaps the large amount of anti-depressants Tim was ingesting may have contributed to his early demise. I am unsure as to my stance on this theory. I do know however, that there is no way he could have continued to function in an even remotely normal manner without some medicinal assistance. Recently, I actually did some research on anti depressants and there is nothing concrete to suggest that these drugs would be a catalyst to suicide in an individual of Tim's age. They do warn of suicidal thoughts when using these drugs, but studies show this particularly in children and very young adults. There is, in fact, no documentation of a suicide of anyone over 40 directly related to the drugs. I am sure it is somewhat of a comfort to have someone or something to blame for Tim's actions, but in reality, there is really no proof in the matter.
As Tim's body attempted to adjust to the myriad of medications, he began to sleep most of the time, awake perhaps only 6 to 8 hours a day. Unfortunately, this sleep pattern would remain for the remainder of his life, only to worsen in the last year. Needless to say, I began to lead a very lonely existence. During this time, Bro. Wiley took up the slack and carried the burden of the church for which I will ever be grateful.
As I began to ponder the past leading up to the diagnosis, things began to make sense. Like one of those paintings you are supposed to stare at for a long, long time, and then your eyes begin to make shapes and images of all the splatter, squiggly lines and blurred images. Suddenly, I understood why he responded, or didn't respond to certain situations the way he did. Little tweaks in his personality, in things he would say and do that were totally out of character. A lightbulb went on in my mind. It became clear that Tim had suffered from this emotional illness for some time, if not years.
I worried constantly. We were scheduled to take our "vacation of a lifetime" to London, England with dear friends Nathan and Sarina Kesler in mid May of '03. The airline tickets were purchased, hotel arrangements made....... but was he capable of making the trip? He contemplated not going, but I insisted I would not go without him, so, we said a prayer for divine help, and off we went. We have many precious, and humorous memories of our time together with the Kesler's, however Tim did experience a couple of episodes that greatly concerned me, episodes that clued me in as to just how serious his illness was.
The first event took place when we were visiting the Tower of London. Tim lost his balance and fell down a steep set of stairs. My heart broke for him as I knew the fall was humiliating to him. He was uninjured, but I knew that the fall was not coincidence, but a result of his medications. Something else happened that greatly concerned me. Upon our return to the U.S. only a few short weeks later, we were reminiscing about our trip. I brought up one day in particular in London, talking about the things we had seen, restaurants we had eaten in, places we had visited and Tim just looked at me with a confused look on his face. I continued to remind him of that day, to no avail. It quickly became apparent to me that he had absolutely no recollection of what I was referring to. Entire chunks of our trip had been erased from his memory!
We returned home somewhat refreshed and renewed, ready to get back to work. For the first 3 to 4 years, it seemed as though the medications were doing there job and Tim functioned relatively well, with good days and bad days. Unfortunately, as the weeks, months and years passed, Tim would become more and more socially isolated and incapable of handling the stress of Pastoring a church, raising three children, and enduring the everyday rigors of life. The last three years of Tim's life were pure an unadulterated anguish for both of us......it is as though I walked this hellish, painful and lonely road with him.
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