I wanted to be where he had been when he had drawn his last breath. I walked hesitantly towards the den. His chair was gone, removed by a couple of men in our church and taken out to the side of our home. The spot where his chair had been was clean, I was expecting something way more grotesque. The crime scene clean up crew had done an excellent job. Then, my eyes spotted the dinner plate sized red stain on the carpet that no amount of carpet cleaner could remove. Blood is a very strong and powerful substance, it lives forever once it has been spilled, even in circumstances where it is not visible to the naked eye. I wanted to touch it, but refrained from doing so. I couldn't take this anymore, I needed to get out of here, back outside, to breathe fresh air into my nostrils.
I felt a gentle touch to my shoulder. "Excuse me Mrs. McCary but we really need to go tell your youngest daughter and check her out of school. We don't want word of this to get to her before you have a chance to tell her." It was the grief counselor speaking to me. Oh God I did not want to do this!! How was I going to tell my babygirl Haley that the father she so adored was dead, and by his own hand? This was the moment I had been dreading from the beginning. Someone had already made contact with Zack's Superiors and they were arranging to have the Army Chaplain to inform Zack. So, that left Haley still to tell.
They would not let me go alone, so, Haley's best friend, and several ladies from the church and I piled into the grief counselor's car and drove to the school. As we walked into the office it was apparent that someone had already notified the front office for which I am grateful, they were ready. They had arranged for a school counselor to be present when I told Haley as well. This woman would continue to work with Haley until we moved to California. We waited in a small room while they went to get Haley from her classroom. I paced nervously. Haley walked into the room and at first was excited, yet confused to see her friend there. I asked her to sit down. By now, she was suspecting that something was terribly wrong. I knelt down at her feet and placed my hands on her knees, whether to brace her or myself I can't say, I believe it was for both of us. "Haley." I said, "Daddy hurt himself today really bad and he passed away." She just looked at me confused. "What?" She said. "I don't understand." I repeated myself, reiterating as gently as I could that Tim was dead. And then, she put her head in her hands and sobbed.
We returned home to find my house beginning to fill up with our church family and friends there to comfort me and for me to comfort them as well. It was comforting chaos. There were ladies working in the kitchen, someone had gone to the store to purchase sodas, snacks, toilet paper, etc. Ladies everywhere were on their phones, some with UPCI Headquarters, our Life Insurance Company, Zack's Superiors, etc. I could not have done it without them that day. At some point I went in and lay down on his side of the bed, on his pillow, wanting to smell his scent, to be near him in some small way. In so doing, I had to brush away the remnants of his gun cleaning supplies and spare bullets, it was like a dream.......no, a nightmare.
Some of the first to arrive at my home that day were Reverend and Mrs. Stacy WIley. They were a lifesaver for my kids and I. Bro. Wiley just took over for me, contacting a man who had formerly attended our church who was a mortician. They arranged to take control of Tim's body and to oversee the funeral services. Bro. Wiley, with my permission went into our closet and chose something for Tim to wear. I instructed him to find a black suit, white shirt and one of Tim's signature white ties, I also wanted Tim to wear the American Flag pin on his lapel that he was so fond of.
They would not let me go alone, so, Haley's best friend, and several ladies from the church and I piled into the grief counselor's car and drove to the school. As we walked into the office it was apparent that someone had already notified the front office for which I am grateful, they were ready. They had arranged for a school counselor to be present when I told Haley as well. This woman would continue to work with Haley until we moved to California. We waited in a small room while they went to get Haley from her classroom. I paced nervously. Haley walked into the room and at first was excited, yet confused to see her friend there. I asked her to sit down. By now, she was suspecting that something was terribly wrong. I knelt down at her feet and placed my hands on her knees, whether to brace her or myself I can't say, I believe it was for both of us. "Haley." I said, "Daddy hurt himself today really bad and he passed away." She just looked at me confused. "What?" She said. "I don't understand." I repeated myself, reiterating as gently as I could that Tim was dead. And then, she put her head in her hands and sobbed.
We returned home to find my house beginning to fill up with our church family and friends there to comfort me and for me to comfort them as well. It was comforting chaos. There were ladies working in the kitchen, someone had gone to the store to purchase sodas, snacks, toilet paper, etc. Ladies everywhere were on their phones, some with UPCI Headquarters, our Life Insurance Company, Zack's Superiors, etc. I could not have done it without them that day. At some point I went in and lay down on his side of the bed, on his pillow, wanting to smell his scent, to be near him in some small way. In so doing, I had to brush away the remnants of his gun cleaning supplies and spare bullets, it was like a dream.......no, a nightmare.
Some of the first to arrive at my home that day were Reverend and Mrs. Stacy WIley. They were a lifesaver for my kids and I. Bro. Wiley just took over for me, contacting a man who had formerly attended our church who was a mortician. They arranged to take control of Tim's body and to oversee the funeral services. Bro. Wiley, with my permission went into our closet and chose something for Tim to wear. I instructed him to find a black suit, white shirt and one of Tim's signature white ties, I also wanted Tim to wear the American Flag pin on his lapel that he was so fond of.
At one point Bro. Wiley asked if I wanted to see the chair? Yes! Yes I did! It sounds morbid I know, and there was some controversy that day as to the wisdom of my seeing it, but I wanted to.....I NEEDED to see that chair. It was sitting in the back of one of the men's trucks from our church, ready to be taken to the dump. They took me to it and left me alone with it. There, on the bottom seat cushion was a huge bloodstain.....I just stared at it. And then, I buried my face in it.
I feel so close to you in your pain.... what you went through. I wanted to see my son's car and finally, when all items were released to me, and his car was brought back to our house, I wanted to see everything. I had been with Bryan through everything and I would see this through for him also. The driver's seat was soaked in his blood and I touched the seat, and helped clean the car. He treasured that car....and I got the gun back too. Both have been sold and I wanted to use the money for something good and to pay for his special burial plaque. I sleep on his pillow every night. All we have left are memories and things. Those things are precious to me now.
ReplyDeleteWhen I read your part about how life changed forever from that one decision in time, that is what I kept saying...Bryan, you have no idea the trail of tears and loss created by your leaving us. I have read and continue to read so many books on grief and loss. They let me know I am not alone. I was not mad at God, just wanted to know why I prayed for something better for Bryan for 18 years after the first car accident. Someday.....