I awakened in the morning disoriented. Have you ever done that? Awakened in a strange place and before you open your eyes you believe you are still in your own bed, in the familiarity of your own bedroom? Yet the smells and sounds are different and for a moment once you open your eyes you are confused and cannot remember where you are. That was my experience on that morning after Tim's death. I had slept moderately well due to the medication the Doctor had prescribed. I was fidgety though, anxious to get back home in spite of the fact that Tim had died there. I needed to stay busy, there was so much to do, to think about. I had a cup of coffee with the Wiley's, gathered my things together and returned home.
I do not recall when family members from out of town actually began to arrive, but I believe my parents, sister and my son Zack and his wife arrived the day after Tim's death. The Keslers also arrived in Arizona from New York at about this time. It was comforting to have them there.
We waited somewhat impatiently to hear back from David Hoyer, the funeral director with autopsy reports and I was anxious to see Tim's body. I believe by Saturday we got the "all clear" to go to the funeral home to see Tim. We also received a detailed report of the autopsy. The report explained a lot and answered questions I had about details surrounding his death. Apparently, the bullet entered Tim's brain and lodged there, which explained the very clean surroundings and lack of blood and brain matter on his chair. As Tim's head slumped forward following the gunshot, he bled heavily and the blood flowed down between his legs which accounted for the single large stain on the seat cushion of his chair. There was no exit wound. I was very thankful as this allowed us to have an open casket. Unfortunately, the high velocity of the bullet caved in the entire right side of Tim's head and face. Thank God I was not allowed to see him in that condition! The mortician did an absolutely wonderful job of reconstruction and no one noticed that there had been great trauma to his head.
The time finally came for us to go view the body. While at the funeral home we were to choose a casket and flower arrangements, etc. I was nervous but ready to get this very difficult task over with. And I just needed to see him. The Wiley's once again gave of themselves selflessly and picked up my children and I, along with my parents and my sister from our home in one of their church vans and drove us to the mortuary. I was nauseous the whole way. The drive seemed to take an eternity, but before long, we pulled into the driveway.
We were ushered into a lovely foyer with beautiful chandeliers and paintings on the walls. We waited for David to come and take me to Tim. I paced, wringing my hands, finally David came. I wanted to go in alone but Zack would not let me and in hindsight, that was very wise on his part. David escorted us to a large room off of the foyer. It was a room where funeral services are conducted. We entered from the back, and up at the front on a gurney lay my beloved, in a hospital gown, draped in a white sheet. We walked down the aisle timidly with Zack holding me tightly. When we finally reached him, an unearthly scream of anguish escaped my lips and my knees buckled. Zack held on tight and I finally gained my composure, and then, I wanted to touch him. I touched his face, his mouth, caressed his head. At one point David warned me to be gentle with his head, and that's when I saw it.........a small hole at his right temple covered in a bandage.
Kendra and Haley had slipped in and were crying. I needed to see more of him and for some reason I wanted to see his legs and feet. I began to pull the sheet off and my children tried to stop me. Determined, focused, I shook them off, told them to leave me alone. I removed the sheet and rubbed his legs, and finally, I bent down and kissed his feet. Romans 10:15 came to me then. "How beautiful are the feet of them that preach the gospel of peace, and bring glad tidings of good things!" He had brought the gospel to hungry people for many years, I never tired of his preaching. He had a way of seasoning the Word with suspense, vivid imagery and an uncanny humor. You never left without having learned something.
David took us to a meeting room and we sat down and began to discuss the viewing, funeral service, casket, flowers, etc. My plan was to fly Tim's body to Turlock California and have him buried there. That is where his mother and brothers live and I had already made the decision to move to California, so, I felt that would be best. We discussed the financial aspects of the funeral service and then, it was time to choose a casket. There were many lovely ones, but our eyes were immediately drawn to one in particular. It was cherry wood with carved, romanesque pillars running up the four corners with brass handles and a white satin lining. It was simple elegance. Tim loved cherry wood and was a huge fan of roman architecture and we knew that he would love it. We chose floral arrangements from the different family members, discussed payment and then, we left.........we left the cold dead body of my husband still lying on that gurney.
The rest of that day is somewhat of a blur, however I do remember that family continued to arrive. I believe we went shopping to find clothes to wear to the viewing and the funeral. For the first time in my life I did not want to go clothes shopping which was certainly out of character, and finding that perfect "little black dress" held absolutely no appeal at all for me.
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