As I have previously mentioned, I can count on one hand the times that God has spoken to me so strongly, that I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was God. Several of those occasions were in the last year of Tim's life. God spoke to me during prayer on one occasion about a year before Tim's death and impressed upon me that we would Pastor Phoenix Revival Center for only fifteen years. Numerous times God reiterated to me, fifteen years, fifteen years, over and over as if to brand it in my brain. We assumed that merely meant our ministry would take a different path. As it turns out, we DID only Pastor there for fifteen years, fifteen years and three months to be exact due to Tim's unexpected death.
Another instance of God directly communicating with me was one week and one day before Tim died. I was so weary in mind, body and soul that I chose to stay home from church on a Wednesday night and spend some quiet time with God. I had a lot of concerns about Tim, the church, our family, etc, and I just wanted to be alone and pray. I knelt at our couch in the den and began to intercede and travail before the Lord After a season of prayer, I felt the spirit of intercession lift and I got up off of my knees to make my way down the hall towards our bedroom. In an incredibly profound way, although not audibly, the Lord spoke to me. It stopped me in my tracks. God simply said, "something bad is going to happen to Tim, so prepare yourself for it." I was stunned, panicked. It was so powerful! I could take you to the exact spot, this very minute, in our home where I was standing when God spoke to me. I returned to the den and fell on my knees again and began to plead the blood over Tim's body. I assumed that the extreme stress he was under could bring on a heart attack, stroke or God forbid, another debilitating breakdown. I had no clue just how devastating the outcome would be.
The morning of Thursday, August 6th, 2009
Have you ever awakened in the morning, still groggy from sleep, yet happy, ready to begin your day only to remember something terrible that happened the day before, and to suddenly be thrust into the depths of despair? That is an awful feeling and that is exactly what happened to me on the morning of August the 6th, 2009
I rolled out of bed, my eyes nearly swollen shut from the night before, Tim lay sleeping in the bed next to me. I stumbled to the kitchen and performed my daily, morning rituals. I poured my first cup of coffee and sat down at the computer. If my memory serves me correctly, I believe I had some sweet emails and Facebook messages from some of our saints expressing concern and encouragement. I was exhausted and still in emotional turmoil, yet strangely optimistic. Perhaps in some ways I am an overly optimistic person. I guess I have just always totally and completely trusted God. I really believed that we were going to be okay, we would get thru this. As the morning wore on, I began to feel increasingly at peace.
Tim awakened an hour or two after me and made his way into the den where I was on the computer. I remember greeting him and asking him how he was doing. He shrugged his shoulders and waved his hand as if to say, "I'm okay." I recall he didn't have a lot to say considering all that had transpired the night before, he was the picture of calm, lost in his own thoughts. I prepared him a breakfast of some cream puffs I had purchased from "Fresh and Easy" and poured his coffee. I piddled around the kitchen as we discussed what our future held, and once again, I did most of the talking.
As he was finishing his breakfast I explained to him that I had some errands to run as I had a baby shower I was hosting for one of our ladies that night in our church fellowship hall. I expressed my hesitation to go to the baby shower, not knowing the response I would get. I was embarrassed. Again, I was met with silence. As I walked to our bedroom, I left Tim sitting in his favorite chair, his laptop open and on his lap.
I showered, dressed and gathered my things. I had a cake to pick up as well as a gift, decorations and other food items. I had decided that while I was at it I would stop in at a little asian massage place that was right next to the Fry's grocery store that I frequented. I desperately needed to relax. I grabbed my purse and keys and as I made my way towards our garage door that led to the car I called out to Tim. " I love you, call me if you need me, I'll see you in a while, goodbye!" It wasn't until later that day that I realized he never responded.
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