His viewing was completely overwhelming. I had never and have yet to see a viewing attended by that many people. The line started in our church lobby and never ended for at least two hours. I stood at the casket, amazed and humbled as each individual passed by. Some had travelled quite a distance to be there. At some point I recall my Pastor's wife, Sis. Keyes coming to me and telling me I needed to sit down and rest, take it easy. But I couldn't. I did what I always did, I smiled and shook hands, ever the diplomat.
He looked pretty good overall, although he was so very pale in his white shirt and tie, against that white satin, and his prematurely gray hair only added to his pallor. I wanted very little to go into the casket with him. I have alway been a little disturbed by people who send their loved ones off with a large amount of trinkets such as photos, letters, stuffed animals, etc. We, of all people should know that these things cannot be taken into eternity with our loved ones. I believe that little things like this are simply a comfort to the living, not the dead. So, I opted to place his favorite Bible in his hands along with a pair of his reading glasses. I felt like this would be especially comforting to our beloved saints who had teased Tim so many times about his numerous pairs of reading glasses. And the Bible, of course, was a must. He loved the Word.
I am sure that in boardrooms, restaurants, Starbuck's and kitchens all over America, people have taken it upon themselves to discuss the plight of Tim's soul. For many, I am sure, this subject is very "black and white." To me, however, I honestly do not know. I was contacted by two highly esteemed men of God on the day of Tim's death. Both men felt impressed to reassure me that Tim was at peace. They felt strongly that God in his infinite mercy would have taken Tim's mental illness into consideration and judged accordingly. God is, after all, a loving and just God. This is a delicate topic to be sure, and it is something that has plagued the minds of my children greatly the last two years, as you can imagine. Recently, my youngest daughter was particularly burdened with it. I explained to her that there is no way for us to know what has become of Tim's soul. That is not a load we are intended to carry, it is a load for God's very capable shoulders. It is of utmost importance that we concern ourselves with our own souls, not the souls of the dead. I reiterated to her that someday, when we get to heaven we will know, but once we see our Lord's sweet face, we will not care. And that is where I have left this dreadful subject, at the feet of Jesus.
If my memory serves me correctly Tim's viewing was on Monday and his funeral on Tuesday. I remember very little about the evening after the viewing. I do know that I was exhausted and relied heavily on Bro. Wiley and my family to take care of things. My main concern was for my children who were still walking around in a daze, we all were. I had taken time however to ponder the futures of Haley and I. At the time Kendra had chosen to move in with her future sister in law to be closer to her job. She had an excellent job at a bank in Scottsdale. She was also getting very close to an engagement to her boyfriend. I knew she would not want to move, so, I made a very difficult decision and gave Kendra the option to either move with me, or remain in Phoenix. After much thought and agonizing, she decided to stay.
The day of the funeral dawned clear and hot, a typical Arizona August. As I was doing my hair in our bathroom my sister came in and informed me that someone had called and wanted me to know that my children and I were free to speak a few words during the service if we wanted to. Hesitant, unsure if I could do it, I grabbed a pen and pad and jotted down a few notes just in case. On our way out the door, I spotted a pair of Tim's reading glasses sitting on his desk exactly where he had left them, on a whim, I grabbed them and ran out the door.
My children and I arrived shortly before the funeral was scheduled to begin. They ushered us into the church thru a side door and my breath caught in my throat. The church was completely filled, with people standing in the lobby and along the walls down the side of the sanctuary. It was completely overwhelming. The amount of floral arrangements was staggering with the entire altar area filled and many arrangements in the foyer due to a lack of space. His arrangement from the children and I was draped across the foot of his casket. In the center sat a resin figurine of a lion lying next to a lamb. I had seen it at Hobby Lobby a few weeks earlier and it had really gotten my attention. When we ordered the arrangement I immediately knew that I wanted that figurine to sit directly in the center of it, so I had my sister take me to Hobby Lobby to purchase it.
They sat us on the front row and the service began. The Lord did not disappoint, his presence was there from the very beginning. The youth choir began to sing and the power of God fell. Our son Zack who had been away from the Lord for some time began to quake under the awesomeness of God. He finally stood to his feet, hands raised to the heavens and began to weep and cry out to God. His wife, standing next to him, was also overcome by the presence of God. And there, on that day, with the lifeless body of his father only feet away, my son found peace and forgiveness in the arms of our Savior.
My children spoke and then, it was my turn. I walked to the pulpit and addressed the congregation and said, "today, I am going to talk to you a little bit about my husband, Reverend Tim R. McCary, and I'm going to do it while wearing his glasses." At that, I perched his glasses low on my nose and began to eulogize the man who had been my soulmate for over twenty six years. I had the congregation alternating between laughter and tears, I don't know how I did it, but somehow, by the grace of God, I did.
The people filed by to pay their last respects. They kept coming, coming and coming, an endless tide of friends, saints and colleagues. And then, we were alone with him, the immediate family only. There were a couple of families who had strongly supported Tim and I until the end, people who were like family to us that I asked to stay. Aside from them, it was meant for immediate family only. Tim's mom became faint and ill, she collapsed. We helped her get to the pew and had her lie down. I was concerned that we would have to call for an ambulance. After a time, she recovered and was able to view his body and say goodbye. Finally, my children and I approached the casket. Zack bent over and sobbed, placing his dog tags in Tim's hands. Zack was overcome, lightheaded and made a quick exit. He could not bear anymore. My girl's wept over their daddy, kissing and caressing him. And lastly, it was my turn. I bent over him, forehead to forehead and kissed his lips. I whispered in his ear telling him things that will go to my own grave with me, looking at his face knowing that it would be the last time on this earth I would ever see it. I wanted to memorize his face, fearful the memory of it would fade with time. And then, it was time to close the casket. I remember my brother's in law on each side of me supporting me. They closed the lid slowly, I watched it intently the whole way down, my eyes focused on Tim's face. And as his face was finally hidden by that heavy wooden lid, an unearthly wail escaped my lips and my knees buckled under me one last time.
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