We boarded the plane for California. Tim's body was already there awaiting his burial service. I had so much to think about. Life Insurance policies to claim, buying a home for Haley and I in Modesto, packing and selling our home in Avondale.......so much and still trying to process the fact that Tim was gone forever. I had been married from the time I was sixteen years old! I had gone from my parents home to a home with Tim. I had no clue what it was like to be completely on my own. Thankfully, Tim had left me well taken care of with a life insurance policy and several policies through the UPCI. Money was the least of my worries and for that I am grateful.
Our plan was to stay in California for approximately two weeks. My goal was to take that time to look for houses and take care of business there. I wanted to be alone. I had been surrounded by so many people that I wanted to stay somewhere where Haley and I could have total privacy, so, I got us a hotel room. Not very economical I know, but I needed that. I had begun to awaken in the morning shaking violently from head to toe. It was comparable to when you have a fever accompanied by chills. My teeth would chatter and my knees literally knocked together. This would go on for weeks to the point that I was unable to write, to even sign my name was a chore!
I can honestly say that the pure, true, heart wrenching grief had yet to begin. That would come later and it would blindside me like a diesel truck. I never knew that someone could feel that much grief. I will elaborate as my story continues.
The day of Tim's burial drew near. A couple of days before the burial I received a call from a concerned family member of Tim's. Tim's mother wished to have the casket open at the burial service. The plan was to have a mini funeral service in the chapel for those who had been unable to travel to Arizona for the funeral. I was completely in support of this, however I was taken aback by the thought that the casket would be reopened. I completely understood her reasoning and why she would want it to be opened, but I felt like my kids and I could not bear going through all of that for a second time. We opted to have a viewing of Tim's body at the cemetery chapel the night before the burial service, my children and I did not attend.
The day of the burial arrived and the little chapel was filled to capacity. It was a lovely service with Tim's cousin singing a song and his uncle, Charles Combs speaking, and then, my family and I got into a black limousine and we were driven to the spot on the cemetery grounds where Tim would find his final resting place. I can remember thinking as we drove that I had never in a million years dreamed that I would be the one riding in a funeral procession. At the gravesite, Tim's cousins performed a duet of the song "I Can Only Imagine" to perfection, accompanied by an acoustic guitar. I sat with my hands raised to the heavens, for surely, we here on earth CAN only imagine what it must be like to be with Him.
We completed our stay with me having spent much time on the telephone with the Social Security Administration and our Life Insurance Companies making sure everything was in proper order. And then, it was time to return home. I looked forward to it with both dread AND anticipation. I wanted to be back home, but I was also terrified to be there alone in the house where Tim had taken his own life. There was nothing I could do about it however, Haley had to get back to school and I had to pack and prepare for our move. By this time in my life, I was an expert at surviving in the worst of situations. I was a seasoned veteran.
If my memory serves me correctly my daughter Kendra picked us up from the airport in Phoenix. We entered our house, it was as silent as a tomb. Haley and I sat huddled together, alone, on our couch in the den, and for the first time in two weeks Haley's floodgates of tears and emotion erupted. She sobbed and sobbed and wailed "I miss him!" over and over again. As a mother I felt completely helpless and frustrated. I was dealing with my own grief and had no clue as to how to help my daughter deal with hers. Finally, exhausted and spent Haley went to bed. I sat on the couch, staring at the spot where his chair had once been. At some point I got up and lay down on the carpet, burying my face in the bloodstain, still visible, and screamed out my anguish and grief. I beat the floor, for the first time, angry at Tim.
No comments:
Post a Comment