I cried myself to sleep most nights, the salty tears pooling in my ears. Often I would gently put my hand on his forehead while he lay sleeping and plead the blood over him. Asking God to deliver us from this disease that gripped both his mind AND his body, interceding for him. On several occasions I lay on my back in bed in the wee hours praying, reaching my arms out to God as though the Almighty could reach down and physically embrace me, all the while mouthing my silent prayer, "I want my husband back!" I would ponder our future with heartbreak. I could not imagine living the rest of our lives this way. I was fearful that as Tim aged, his symptoms would only intensify. I considered the fact that the children would mature, marry, have families and lives of their own, and where would that leave me?. I could not bare the thought of the extreme loneliness to come. One of my greatest fears was that I would contract a terminal or debilitating disease.......who would care for ME? I knew that Tim was unable to, and I had no immediate family in Arizona, it was a valid concern of mine. I can recall escaping into the shower. So weary, leaning my head against the cool tiles as the water streamed down my face to mingle with my tears, my mouth opened wide in a whispered scream, hands balled into fists beating the walls. Tired, frustrated, lonely and scared, I became a master of disguise.
In March of '09 our son Zachary and our beautiful daughter in law Sylvia were married. Sylvia is from my hometown of Modesto California, so, the wedding was to be held there. I was busy, scurrying around making preparations, as Zack and Sylvia had asked me to coordinate the entire event. There was excitement in the air amidst all the preparations and Tim was excited about performing the ceremony for our firstborn and his bride!
Approximately two weeks before we were to depart for California which would be a 10 to a 12 hour drive, Tim became very, very ill. It was the same symptoms all over again......the chest pains, breathlessness, lightheadedness, the burning. We made a Doctors appointment and once again, the Doctor found nothing wrong with Tim's heart, lungs or blood pressure, everything pointed to his anxiety disorder. As the days passed he became worse and worse and I honestly did not think he would make the trip. He was not sleeping well, awake all night at times. Somehow, we made it, but Tim was deathly ill. Once we arrived in Modesto he slept most of the time until the evening of the ceremony. I was beside myself with concern as I sat in the pew during the wedding and watched Tim, white as a sheet, trembling, barely able to get thru the ceremony! Here was my husband, a man known nationally for his oratory abilities barely able to put two words together. He had performed this same ceremony countless times, yet he forgot key portions and stumbled over his words. To say the least, I breathed a sigh of relief when bride and groom finally kissed. My parents told me later that longtime family friends and extended family members left the wedding deeply concerned about Tim. For the first time, people began to ask questions, they could sense that something was terribly wrong, Tim was not the same person they had known for years. Tim stayed with his mother while we were there and he later told me that he was so ill the day following the wedding that he literally could not physically get out of bed.....he could not make his body obey. I firmly believe that Tim suffered his second breakdown at that time.
A couple of weeks later, Zack and Sylvia were driving thru Arizona on their way back to Kansas which is where Zack was stationed in the Army. They had to pass thru Flagstaff and they called and asked us to meet them there for dinner. Flagstaff is a couple of hours from Phoenix, and for some reason I do not recall, I could not make the dinner date, so, Tim and our youngest daughter Haley went without me. In retrospect, I believe that this was part of God's master plan as this was the last time Haley and her dad would spend quality alone time together.
They met Zack and Sylvia at a restaurant and had dinner. Zack later told me that it was the most awkward time he had ever had with his dad. Tim was silent most of the meal, and when he did speak he would ask the same questions over and over. Needless to say, Zack was extremely concerned. He and Sylvia discussed Tim's behavior the entire way home to Kansas. It was the last time Zack would see his father alive.
I believe it was the following April or May that I became seriously alarmed. For some unknown reason it was as though Tim shifted gears into warp speed. He was not sleeping during the day, he was cleaning everything it sight, and talking 90 miles an hour. We would try to have a conversation and I would have to ask him to slow down, to repeat him self over and over. Strangely enough, also at this time, he seemed to have extreme clarity of the mind. It was as though I had the old Tim back! It seemed for that moment in time he had awakened from a dream and realized what had been going on and he sensed the stress that the kids and I were enduring. He even addressed this topic with me, apologizing and promising to do better. One afternoon I walked into the kitchen to find roses on the counter. The note he left me read "For putting up with me. Love, Tim." I had mixed emotions, I was happy, yet concerned, something wasn't right, I had never seen him like this before. I called Zack and told him "I'm worried about your dad, he's driving me crazy, cleaning up a storm, talking very, very fast......I don't know what to do!" To a degree it was humorous and we got a good laugh out of it, but Zack had no answers either. For the first time, I revealed things to Zack about his dad's illness I never had before. Zack also shared with me his concerns about his father after their dinner together in Flagstaff. Zack was aware that Tim was unwell, but was shocked to hear the severity of it. This phase with Tim lasted only a few days. Before long, he was back to his normal self, sleeping all day, lethargic, uncommunicative, etc. I still cannot explain what happened.
In my studies of nervous and complete nervous breakdowns I have discovered that two prominent symptoms are feelings of grandiosity and feelings of extreme worthlessness. I was stunned at the accuracy of this tidbit of information. Out of respect, I will not delve too deeply into the matter of feelings of grandiosity, but suffice it to say that having learned this explains several situations that I observed early on in Tim's illness. In the last months of his life however, any self confidence was replaced by severely low self esteem and the feeling that no one respected him. He was spiraling out of control and taking me with him.
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