Survival Tactics

Tim's life became very polarized, his focus became the ministry and maintaining his sanity.  He was terrified of a relapse, of a breakdown that would render him helpless, unable to provide for his family.  The irony of it is that Tim's abilities and talents stemmed from his extremely brilliant mind.  Counseling, preaching, writing.....all of these tasks require a keen and sharp mind.  It's amazing to me how he could be so ill, in bed for most of the week, then on Sunday address our congregation with an unparalleled anointing!!  It was as though God reached down at those moments in time and gave him just enough strength and mental clarity to deliver masterpieces to our people.  Tim was an incredible preacher to the very end.

Having said this, our lives revolved around Tim's health and keeping him well.  I certainly do not intend to come across as selfish by that statement, but rather state a fact to help you to better understand his predicament.  It was important that he have plenty of rest and that I not overwhelm him with too many issues of daily life.  Unfortunately this created an overwhelmingly heavy load for me as I played the roles of both mother AND father, attending school events and such without him.  He did not deal well with the children's friends at the house, so most of their socializing took place elsewhere.  I spent hours upon hours in downtown Glendale roaming the antique shops or sitting in Borders Bookstore sipping on hot tea or coffee, with a pile of books.  Anything to be out of the house, to be around people, to hear laughter and conversation, even if I were not directly a part of it.  It was not unusual to find me at a restaurant in a corner booth, alone, with a book for lunch or dinner......sometimes both.

Tim became more and more reclusive with our saints.  I cannot tell you how many weddings and funerals I found myself making excuses to people for Tim having slipped out as soon  as the ceremony or service was over.  This was especially difficult at weddings where the couple usually wants pictures with the Pastor and Pastor's wife.  If there was a head table, I sat there with an empty chair next to me, a place card with his name on it next to an empty plate.  The children and I went alone to most church dinners and banquets, he just could not handle the pressure.

We took our final family vacation in June of '06.  We stayed in an absolutely lovely resort, and what better vacation spot than Orlando Florida?  Yet, once again, Tim spent most of his time in the room sleeping.  I recall on one of the last days of our trip the girls and I went to a theme park alone, he just could not get out of the bed, his unused ticket lay on the dresser.  Incredibly, it was as though our children never really noticed just how ill Tim was.  Only after his death did I open up to them about what their dad had suffered.  They knew to a degree that he was in poor health, but apparently they had no clue as to the severity.  For this I am thankful.  To them, they had very normal childhoods.

I somewhat look at that vacation as the beginning of the end, for from there, it seems that everything began to unravel for Tim very rapidly.