I felt at home in Modesto California, back in my hometown, surrounded by family and friends, yet I still felt lonely and displaced. One positive thing born of this whole sordid, awful affair was that the Army had honorably discharged Zack, and he and his wife were in the process of moving to Modesto to be with me. That was a huge relief. To add to the joy of being near my son was the fact that he and his wife were expecting their first child and my first grand baby! I missed my daughter Kendra, but knew that she and I were both making the right decisions for our lives.
The house I purchased was a large two story, four bedroom, three bath home complete with a diving pool in the backyard. It was very, very nice and I had made a real bargain in it's purchase. It was big though, a little too big. Haley and I would lay in my bed together every night, hold hands and pray. I still missed Tim terribly and was so very lonely, I cried myself to sleep most nights. One night shortly after I arrived I lay in bed, tears seeping from the corners of my eyes as I once again asked God to deliver me from this searing grief. I remember actually putting my hands to my chest and making a motion as if to reach into my chest and pull out the terrible heartache that lay there. Then, I reached my arms up to God, holding that heartache out to Him and told Him, "God, here, you take this burden. I don't want it anymore. I can't bear it." And once again, I reminded God of His promises to His children and reminded Him of His Word. Finally, at peace, I fell asleep.
I remember the next morning awakening to the sun shining in through the window blinds. I felt lighter somehow, more rested and at peace. I put my feet on the floor and stood up. For the first time in weeks I was not trembling from head to toe. I was calm and in control of my faculties. It felt so wonderful to have a semblance of normalcy. From that day forward it seemed that the Lord began to heal me from the inside out. I had, and still do have moments of intense grief. I have to control my mind, keep it from pondering too long on Tim's final moments, about what he was thinking or doing in the minutes before he pulled that trigger. We are all haunted by the "what ifs" that I have since come to understand are in truth, irrelevant. I even went thru a time where I was absolutely giddy with happiness and excitement for the future, I felt guilty about that! One day I was driving home from taking Haley to school and I was so happy that I just started to laugh hysterically. Was I losing my mind? I asked God to forgive me, told Him I shouldn't feel this happy, it didn't make any sense. But God, in that still, small way that He has spoke to me and reminded me that His peace is a peace that passes all understanding. I couldn't understand it, I didn't NEED to understand it.
We settled into our lives in Modesto. Haley adjusted to her school and we were both in love with our church, enjoying the healing presence of God. I began to ponder my life and what I would do with it. I knew that one day I would write a book about my experiences, but what was I to do to make Haley and I a living? Taking a portion of the money from the life insurance policies I decided to go to school for something that had been of interest to me for some time. I paid my tuition in cash and signed up for a three month training course for Esthetics (skincare). I enjoyed my time at the school and the hectic pace of life helped to further occupy my mind and heal my wounds, but I was lonely, I wanted to be married. I discovered rather quickly that I do not enjoy the single life. And so, I began to pray in earnest for a husband.
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