The lonely years

Lament
By Isabella Holt

He is gone, with his green eyes,
whom I love most.
Gone among the cliffs and fog,
on a far coast.

He who scatters wit and pride
from his keen tongue,
He who finds himself so deep,
and is so young.

He whose joy in sweet words
and kindness,
whom old men love, and little boys
no whit the less.

Rooms are silent that were glad
seven days ago,
I can feel across my heart,
the great tides flow.

Love, the blind importunate,
craves touch and sight;
Briefly parting, feels and fears
eternal night.

Fear is sweeping on the wind,
like arid foam,
I have said farewell to peace,
Till he comes home.

We began to lose saints.....a slow trickle at first and then a seemingly mass exodus.  There was a certain disconnect with our people.  I delicately tried to suggest to him that the congregation needed human contact with him beyond the pulpit, he didn't see it.  He would become defensive, in denial.  I will never forget the Sunday morning when a particular saint pulled me aside and confronted me with their dissatisfaction of my husband's Pastoring techniques.  I listened as they shot questions at me.  "Why doesn't Bro McCary do this? Why does he do that?  He should do this, that and the other."  On the exterior I was calm, answering the questions to the best of my ability, but inside I was quaking, on the verge of tears.  It felt as though every organ in my body quivered like jello.  How did I answer these questions?  This person had absolutely no clue as to the battle my husband fought with his mental health on a daily basis, and I was in the trenches with him.  So, I did what I always did, I protected my husband.

I will never forget one sleepless night on the heels of losing yet another very precious family.  I could not sleep, so I lay on the living room floor with my pillow and blanket, alternating between kneeling at a chair crying out to God and rolling on the floor, writhing in agony and pain over the loss.  These people had become like family to us and their leaving was the worst kind of pain and rejection.  And, once again, I knew deep in my heart that their reasons for leaving were valid, their needs were not being met.  But what was I to do?  I was at a loss and heartbroken.

Tim continued to isolate himself from people socially, so in turn, I did not have much of a social life either.  Many were the nights following Sunday evening service when I found myself with my teenage kids in the backroom of JB's Restaurant with a large group of our congregation breaking bread and fellowshiping.  I laughed and hammed it up, having a wonderful time, but inside I sobbed, lonely, wishing my spouse were with me.  It was also not unusual for me to entertain our visiting Evangelists alone, Tim being way too weary amd exhausted to join us.

As time went on, Zack joined the army and Kendra was working and had her own social life which did not include her square, middle aged mom.  Haley was young and she and I became extremely close, spending a lot of time together. At some point I threw caution to the wind and attached myself to some precious saints  that I felt could handle being close to the Pastor's wife.  This is a delicate matter and I had always been counseled to not get too close to your people.  I was literally dying on the vine however and decided if I were to maintain my own sanity, I had to have people in my life who "had my back" so to speak.  These precious friends went out to eat with me as well as offering my children and I a place to go on minor holidays.  Without them, I would surely have lost my mind.

Little did I know that the loneliness would only deepen and that the next few years would be the most difficult of all.